Wide Awake OUTTAKES
by AngstGoddess003
Summary: These are chapter outtakes for WA. Scenes and false starts that didn't make the cut, but still have some funny and good moments. Just for fun. Not srs bsns. Don't read if you've become attached to the finer details in the story. M for language and stuff.
1. IntroductionDisclaimer

**A/N: **Twilight and its characters belong to Stephanie Meyers. I'm only saying it once for these outtakes.

-------

**DISCLAIMER!**

These are outtakes from various chapters throughout the story. They don't contradict the plot lines any, but there are differences that may make people see some chapters differently.

So, if you're hopelessly attached to the way everything has gone, **don't read this. **

It's no surprise that some things go down in MS Word, and then look all wrong. That's where these were thrown out and replaced with something better.

It's mostly for fun, as there is some good humor that was never seen. And some angsty goodness thrown in every now and again.

That's my disclaimer. Don't bitch. And I may be adding more as the story progresses. There's really no point in reviewing these things, but if you do, I'll be happy nonetheless.

Thanks!

-AG


	2. Ch 25: Mocha Desperation Sensations

**A/N: This outtake scares me a bit.**

Takes place on Christmas morning, when E/B are nearly caught by Emmet. (snickers at one 'T').

This was angsty, and totally different from the reaction I went with in the end. You'll see why.

---

**EPOV**

I awoke in the morning to a loud banging that made me groan and squeeze Bella tighter against my chest. But the banging wouldn't fucking stop. I lifted a hand to my bed side table and began slapping my alarm clock to make the fucking noise go away.

"Edward!" A loud, muffled booming voice called from far away. I furrowed my brows as the banging started again. "Wake the fuck up." It continued.

_Emmett._

I shot up in the bed, clasping Bella to me tightly, and supporting her head as it snapped back from the force of my forward motion. Her eyes shot open as she realized what was happening and she frantically worked to cover her bare torso with the blankets surrounding us. The banging continued, this time followed by a rattle of my locked doorknob.

I panicked. "Hold the fuck on!" I yelled back quickly, steadying Bella as she flew out of bed and became tangled in the covers. Once she steadied herself, she frantically scurried towards the bathroom, shutting the door softly with a click. I let out a deep breath and began raking my fingers through my hair.

Emmet began pounding loudly against my door once more. "Come on! Carlisle wants us downstairs!" He boomed crudely, making me ball my fists up and barely resisting the urge to sling the door open and kick the shit out of him.

"Fuck off! I'll be down in ten!" I screamed angrily. I sat motionless in bed, waiting to hear his retreating footsteps. After a moment I heard him walking away and I let out a sigh of relief. _Close fucking call._

It was still dark as I glanced over at my alarm clock to check the time. Five-o-clock. I let out a frustrated growl and climbed out of bed, turning my lamp on as I rose. Impatient motherfuckers cutting into thirty minutes of perfectly good sleep… with my girl on my chest… half fucking naked. I made my way to the sofa to get Bella's bag, lifting it up and walking to the bathroom door, stopping along the way to pick up her sweater at the foot of my bed.

I knocked softly. "Bella, he's gone now." I said just loud enough for her to hear. The door cracked open and Bella's sleepy face met me. I smiled at her as best I could, and lifted the bag and sweater for her to see. She glanced at them and reached a hand out of the door to take them.

I walked to my closet to get another shirt, since the one from the previous night had mysteriously fucking vanished into thin air. I could feel the bronze ring tapping against my chest with my every step. I trailed my hand down to the ring hanging around my neck and I fingered it softly. It was still warm from being smashed in between us all night.

I pulled on the first shirt I felt on a hanger, not really giving a shit what it was, so long as it covered my chest and stomach. After I got it over my head I heard the bathroom door open, watching as Bella stepped out with her bag in her hand. She smiled at me sleepily and quickly shuffled to the sofa to pull on her hoodie.

As she was sliding the sleeves over her arms I saw it. I saw it and I wanted to fucking vomit. A dark blue handprint curling around her tiny pale wrist. It made me fucking sick to see it. To know that I caused it. It wasn't Phil, it wasn't Newton, and it wasn't some pimply faced motherfucker in a restaurant forty five minutes away. It was _me. _The person she loved.

I stared at it while it was uncovered and hated myself even more than I ever had. Which is saying a whole fucking lot. She turned to me and smiled, but I couldn't return it. I was too overwhelmed with disgust to even fake one. Her smile fell and I hated that it was all my fucking fault. I wanted to push her away, tell her to leave and never come back. _Fucking save yourself._

She slowly made her way over to me in the middle of the room. I couldn't even look in her fucking eyes. I stared at her covered wrist as she made her way closer to me. She stepped in front of me, placing her warm little palm on my cheek. I wanted to flinch away and tell her to just go. But I couldn't. Because I was too fucking selfish. I let her caress it gently as I grew even more nauseated at the thought of her comfort. I lifted a hand out to take the bruised wrist and slid the sleeve up. She tried to pull it away from me so I couldn't see it. Act like it was no big fucking deal, when we both knew better.

It looked fucking awful. Blue and purple and staining her skin with all of my venom and darkness. I wrapped my hand around it, matching up the shape of my fingers, and physically wretched once it matched up perfectly. She snatched it out of my hands and threw her arms around my neck.

"Please stop it, Edward." She pleaded against my neck. But I couldn't. I could never forgive myself for it. I didn't hug her back this time. I didn't fucking deserve to touch her. She squeezed me tighter, trying to make me respond, but the thought of ever hurting her again was too repulsive to even consider.

I placed one gentle soft kiss on her cheek and backed away from her. Her eyes were sad and regretful. And my ever growing feeling of self loathing only increased at the sight of it.

"Don't do this." She cried, tears building up into her deep brown eyes. "Don't pull away from me." She choked. My face softened at the sight of her tears. I was hurting her more no matter what the fuck I did.

I raked my fingers through my hair, and slowly let my eyes close. "I'm sorry." _For everything_. "It's just bullshit I have to work out on my own." _To make sure I won't fucking hurt you again. "_I don't want to pull away…_" I want to kiss you fucking senseless. "…b_ut sometimes I have to._" Because I want to protect you._

Her face fell even more. She walked closer to me, and I had to fucking battle not to back away from her again. She reached her hands up and fisted them into my t-shirt on either side of the necklace that was hanging tucked beneath my shirt against my skin.

"Kiss me." She whispered frantically. I stared into her glistening brown eyes intensely. I wanted to push her away and hold her close and ask her why she didn't fucking hate me. But I could never deny my girl a kiss. So I did. I leaned in and softly took her bottom lip into my mouth, keeping my hands at my sides. I pulled away quickly. Fucking hating myself and the fact that she was still pulling me closer to her, even after everything she knew and everything I did.

Her face fell and she was about to say something, but I heard Emmett's footsteps coming back down the hall. She looked at the door desperately and back to me. Wanting to stay and tell me bullshit about how I wasn't a fucking monster. Wanting to cover me in all her fucking kisses and flowers and cookies.

I made a pointed glance towards the glass door as Emmett started banging on the door again. She darted her eyes to the loud noise and back to my eyes with a desperate expression.

"Can I come back?" She whispered shakily while a tear rolled down her cheek. It was so fucking unbelievable how she'd even want to. But I couldn't make it without her, so I lifted my hand and wiped the tear away, nodding my head at her, and fucking loathing my complete lack of selflessness. She smiled sadly at me while the banging on the door became more frantic.

Her face crumpled as she released my shirt and turned to the door. Before she made it all the way, she turned around and sprinted towards me, throwing her little arms around my neck and almost knocking me over with the force of it.

She kissed my neck sweetly and trailed her hot lips up to my ear. "Nothing could make me love you less." She whispered into my ear and jumped off me, sprinting out the door, and closing it with a soft click.

**BPOV**

The days following Christmas were cold. Frosty wet breezes that teetered just barely above the proper temperature to create any beautiful, fluffy white snow. Edward grew distant from me. I wish I could say it returned to the business-like relationship we shared pre-Phoenix, but it was much worse. The passionate kisses at the door became soft chaste pecks. He caressed me as if I was made of glass, and we stopped making conversation completely. I'd sit on the couch and read and watch as he ate in silence. He stopped moaning and humming, simply eating the food as if it was merely sustenance, and nothing enjoyable. He was pulling away and folding in. I could see it in his eyes when he avoided my gaze. The self hatred, surrounded by regret and disgust.

I wanted to jump on him and shake him and tell him how stupid he was being and make him kiss me again like he meant it. But I barely restrained the urge. Because I couldn't simply dismiss his own feelings of self hatred any more than he could dismiss my feelings of love. We spent night after night, existing in the same room, but never acknowledging the other's presence unless absolutely necessary. I kept telling myself to remain patient, and let him work through it on his own terms. But it was slowly and surely breaking what was left of my heart.

He wouldn't hold me as tightly as he used to at night. His embrace grew progressively looser, until eventually his hand was merely resting on my waist. I'd squeeze him harder, silently begging him to return the gesture. But he never did. It was eating at my very core. Pecking away in small increments that were piling up into a growing heap of loathing and regret that settled into the burning pit of my stomach.

Every day that passed, I waited for him to come out of it. Snap back into the Edward I fell in love with so many weeks ago. I kept my mouth firmly shut, refusing to open any more wounds than I already had. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to comfort him. There was a time when my touch alone was enough to draw him to me. I feared that I was losing it all.

---

**A/N: **Okay, so he was pulling away because he hurt her instead of the fact he couldn't feel love.

I decided that was shitty. Because the whole 'I hate myself for hurting you, and I'll never touch you again' Edward bit is so overdone, so I focused more on the emotions.


	3. Ch 28: Coconut Confession Confections

**A/N: **This was after the gym incident when Carlisle and Esme talk to Edward and Bella in the Cullen study. I threw it out, but the intent remains the same.

---

**EPOV**

I dropped Jazz off at his house, thanking him for all the shit he did. That motherfucker came through for me too many times that day to count. He just shrugged with a smirk and leaned back into his seat. It was a very fucking rare occasion that I ever thanked him for anything. Because he usually got us into too much shit to even warrant one.

Esme's car was already parked in her driveway as I arrived. I allowed myself a moment to groan and hit my head against the fucking steering wheel before I finally got the balls to get out and walk into the house. I figured they'd all be waiting for my ass in the study, so I walked up the stairs grudgingly, dreading the conversation that I was about to have with those two, and praying that they wouldn't react as badly as I feared.

The door was already opened when I reached his office so I walked inside without knocking. Bella was sitting in one of the chairs in front of his desk. She had already changed out her gym clothes, and her hoodie was missing, most likely because it was bloody, as she wore a large sweater. Esme sat beside her, turning her head to me as I entered the room. And of course, Daddy C. sat majestically on the throne of his office chair, motioning for me to take the third chair in front of his desk beside Esme.

I sat in the seat slowly, gauging everyone's expressions. Carlisle still looked curious, and Esme was a closed book. And my girl fucking smiled at me. So I smiled back and sat down. To the casual observer, this wouldn't be such a big fucking deal. Just two kids who had a close relationship. Who hid it. Rather efficiently. I sat waiting for some kind of question or something as Carlisle looked back and forth between Bella and I.

Esme spoke first. "Why can he touch you?" She asked Bella. Which seemed a little fucking blunt and rude to me, but I held my tongue, because I could see why they'd be curious.

Bella glanced at me from beside Esme with a look of pride in her eyes as she held her chin up and rounded her shoulders back. _All grown up._ "He's different." She rasped simply, while gazing into my eyes lovingly. I smiled crookedly at her. She fucking loved that I was different.

Even Esme could tell as she looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Different how?" She asked curiously, staring into my eyes.

I glanced at my girl and gazed into her eyes for a second. I didn't really know how to explain the electricity. And the look in her eyes told me that she didn't either. So I decided being evasive again would be just fucking fine with me. "I just am." I replied sharply. Leaving no fucking room for discussion. It really wasn't any of their business why it was. It just fucking was.

Esme looked a little frustrated by my non-answer, but decided to continue the interrogation. "And when did you two meet?" She asked glancing back and forth at us from side to side.

And I was just fucking done with all this shit. We know each other. Get the fuck over it already. And I knew exactly how to get them off our backs. "It was that one time when you were both gone away on business." I replied with raised eyebrows, and nearly fucking snickered as they both darted their eyes away. So fucking guilty. Like my girl and I were the only ones keeping secrets around here.

"Is that all?" I asked impatiently, having shit to attend to, and wanting to leave before they began asking questions that I couldn't fucking answer yet. "I'm sure Bella is fucking exhausted." I gazed in her tired eyes with a frown when I realized we still had five hours to go before we could go to sleep.

Then suddenly I felt a whack on the back of my head. I shot my hand up to my hair and turned to Esme. "What the fuck?" I asked incredulous and a little fucking offended. Instead of answering me, she reached her hand up and slapped my head again. "Ouch." I exclaimed as I leaned away from her.

She looked at me angrily. "Don't you use that kind of language in front of her."

And I wanted to fucking laugh, because if she had heard some of the things that had come out of my girl's mouth in the heat of the moment, she'd probably shit herself. Instead I nodded indignantly, still rubbing my head while Carlisle chuckled softly into his fist. I narrowed my eyes at him, finally releasing my head, and reminding myself to never fucking curse in front of Esme again. I wanted to remind her that I opened the car door for Bella. I wasn't a complete Neanderthal.

When everyone stood up, I took a glance at my poor tired girl. "Can we hang outside for a while?" I asked Carlisle and Esme with a pleading look, fearing that they'd probably be opposed to me having her alone in my room. They couldn't find any reason to protest so I took my girl's hand and led her out of the study hastily.

I began grumbling once we hit the stairs. "Fucking Spanish Inquisition…" I muttered with a shake of my head. I led us out of the house, just wanting to get her alone and make sure she was okay. She remained quiet as she squeezed my hand and followed beside me. I looked around the front yard with a furrowed brow, and then began leading her around back. I supposed the gazebo would be as good in the daytime as night when it came to a little fucking privacy.

Once we were up on the platform, I turned to my girl and picked her up around the waist, surprising her, and placing her on the top of the picnic table facing me, much the same position we had in the nurse's office.

I carefully took her face in my hands. "Are you okay?" I asked urgently while staring into her eyes. I knew how she always fucking hid from everyone, and I wanted to know the truth. "Don't fucking lie to me." I insisted.

She frowned and looked down. "Yeah." She rasped, finally looking back into my eyes. I let out a deep breath when I couldn't see any signs of it being untrue in her gaze. "I'm sorry." She whispered irrationally.

I grew near furious. "You don't have one fucking thing to be sorry for." I glared at her… lovingly.

She smiled a little, playing with her fingers and looking at me with an intense penetrating gaze. "You saved me …" She trailed off with tears in her eyes. I fucking sighed, leaning over to hug my girl around her little waist. She put her head on my shoulder and put her arms around my neck.

I turned my face to kiss her neck softly, sending her all of my love while I rubbed my hand up and down her back. "I'd do it again in a fucking heartbeat." I whispered honestly, knowing that I definitely would. And even though we couldn't be as secret as we were, it was worth the fucking price for me.

---

**BPOV**

I smiled into his shoulder, pleased that he didn't regret it. I was so exhausted form the whole episode, and my nose was aching rather badly, though I didn't want to alert Edward to it. I was worried for James's safety a little. It was beyond sweet that Edward cared so much for me that he wanted to get retaliation, but I knew that it was only an accident. I was also really dirty and disgusting and I couldn't wait to just take a shower and wash it all off.

But first I had to know. "Are we okay?" I asked in my pathetically raspy voice into his shoulder, longing for a hot cup of herbal tea.

Edward pulled away from me slowly, keeping his arms around my waist as he stood between my legs where I sat on the table. "Better than okay." He smiled, gazing into my eyes intensely and lifting a hand to gingerly stroke my cheek. He leaned in towards me, darting his eyes at my lips, then back up to my eyes. As if he was nervous about kissing me. Which was just plain stupid. So I leaned in and took his top lip as he took my bottom. Stroking my cheek and sighing. We pulled away quickly, glancing around the yard to make sure no one had seen.

I giggled lightly when he met my gaze again with a smile. Though secretly I was wondering exactly how close we could be in the day time now, but too afraid to ask.

He took a deep breath, as if he was steadying himself for something, so I looked into his intense green eyes as I grabbed his jacket and pulled him closer to me. He chuckled and shook his head at me, putting his arms back around my wait. "I have something I really fucking need to tell you." He whispered just inches away from my face with a smile.

Usually those words would have scared me, but the way he was holding me and smiling while his eyes sparkled eased my fear. I smiled back, loving seeing him so happy about something, and willing him to tell me with my loving gaze.

---

**A/N: **I didn't like where the ILY was going, so I started over. The real one was better anyways. Although I kind of missed the Esme head smack. It was cute. Maybe I'll work that in later or something.


	4. Ch 35: Valentine Pineapple Pairs 1

**A/N: **Umm, so I had two false starts for Valentine's Day. This one here got scrapped quickly because I didn't want Alice to be so accepting at first.

There is some hilarity though.

---

**BPOV**

I was an idiot. Agreeing to the hedonistic torture and actually believing it was no big deal. Just a 'quick' trip to the mall with Alice.

That one word should have been a big red flashing sign. If Edward were holding that big red flashing sign, it'd say _Bullshit._

I cringed into my hoodie with my head down as I followed her through the mall and hugged the walls. I was following rather blindly as she led me around for the day, still trying to make the decision on whether or not I should just wait for her in the comfort of the Porsche.

Men were _everywhere._ I could almost feel Alice shooting me wary glances from over her shoulder as she tried her 'best' to speed along the excursion. We really should have taken the exact day into account.

The mall was decorated horrifically in deep scarlet reds that looked more fitting for a b rated horror film than the quaint little rinky dink Port Angeles mall. And all of this, Alice shopping, me agreeing, the horrific decorations, and the swarms of men stumbling around nervously, were all due to one dismally gruesome annual event.

_Valentines Day._

And we were in the mall doing last minute shopping like complete and total idiots. I wasn't actually buying anything. I wasn't sure what you got a guy for Valentines Day. I figured I'd just make Edward his favorite cookies or something.

Alice had very different plans for Jasper. She wouldn't tell me exactly what they were, but during the trip, she had bought some very interesting things. There was a wig. One that looked very similar to the double ear buns of Princess Laia. After I saw it, I stopped wondering. Too weird.

I was shuffling behind her with my head up just enough to see her heels when she led me into a store. I wasn't paying attention to where it was as I followed in silence. But one of the displays made me look up.

My eyes widened as I took in the scenery of the lingerie store I had walked into. There was an upside however. Every man in the mall looked like he wanted to come in, but never did. It was a breath of fresh air that made me grin as I followed behind her through the store.

She was silent as she fluttered her hands through all of the lacy slutty numbers with pursed lips, glancing at me sideways a couple of times as I waited patiently with my hands in my hoodie pockets. Usually this kind of shopping would make me cringe and leave, but there was no way I was re-entering 'Last Minute Gift Man Ville'.

I bit my lip as she strolled me over to the bra counter, looking down at all the sexy bras that were nothing like the ones I owned. Mine were all plain and comfortable. Function over fashion.

Alice knew this.

She held up a lacy bra and quirked an eyebrow at me with a smirk. "It's Saturday, darlin'." She snickered at me while holding it in the air.

I kept biting my lip as I stared at it skeptically. Edward and I hadn't gotten to the point where clothes were removed. He had only been able to grope me without the safe word for two nights. And it was always through my sweater. No skin.

But that was bound to change eventually. And I had already shown him my ugly plain white bra once. I seriously doubt he found it the least bit sexy. The blue bra she was holding was probably sexy. Delicate. Lacey. Appeared to have miraculous push up qualities that would make me look falsely bustier than I actually was. I figured that was the checklist for sexy bras. So I timidly reached a hand up and grabbed it from her hand.

Alice rolled her eyes at me as I stared at in my hands like it was an ancient Chinese torture device. "I was just joking Bella, geez." She sighed, shaking her head.

I blushed. Furiously. Because she probably expected me to throw it back down on the counter when instead I dropped my arm and grasped it at my side. She eyed me in confusion for a moment before her eyes grew wide.

She gasped, putting her hand over her mouth. "You want it, don't you?" She asked incredulously through her palm.

I grimaced and turned away, pretending to be interested in something else. Which was a bad idea; because the bra in my hand was probably the most modest thing the store had to offer. I suddenly empathized with all the men who needed to buy something from the store, but were too ashamed to be seen doing it.

I huffed and turned back to Alice, who was still gaping at me a little open jawed. "It's just a bra, Alice." I sighed, silently begging her with my gaze to let it go, and not make a big deal out of it.

Yeah. Because that always works.

Her slack lips slowly transformed into a smirk. "You're getting it because of Edward." She sang his name like we were suddenly ten again and boys had cooties. I almost expected her to do the kissing in a tree song.

I blushed more, because she was right, but didn't offer any information as I kept my head down and kicked the low budget carpet with the toe of my shoe.

She snickered. "You little slut." She said deviously, making my head snap up as I stared at her in utter shock.

"This coming from Princess Labia?" I blurted incredulously. I really didn't mean for it to come out at all as I was thinking it, but I didn't feel any remorse.

Her smirk disappeared in an instant. And it was the first time I had ever seen Alice blush as she shifted her gaze from me and back to the bra display. She sniffed as she fingered them. "I'm shopping online next year." She mumbled.

I scoffed. "Yeah, so am I." I nodded in agreement as I grasped the bra in my hand, hoping no one was looking.

After a moment, she turned to me again. The blush was gone from her face as she sighed and eyed me cautiously. "I'd be a total hypocrite if I lectured you." She whispered softly with a concerned expression. "But please tell me you're being safe?" She begged with her eyes.

I shook my head fervently, in feigned horror at her assumption. Then shook it in more genuine horror as her eyes grew wide when she misunderstood my actions.

I stopped shaking my head and huffed. "We're not having sex, Alice." I hissed under my breath as my face grew impossibly hotter and I darted my eyes around the store.

She eyed me skeptically for a moment before she bobbed her head and began looking through the bras again. "Well, when you do." She sighed quietly as she chose a bright red bra from the display and turned to me, holding it up to my face with a snicker. I rolled my eyes and smacked her hand away.

She snickered softly for a moment before her expression turned serious. "I mean it, Bella. If you had any idea where that thing's been…" She trailed off with a delicate shudder and threw the bra down.

I grimaced, wishing she hadn't brought up my boyfriend's sexual history. "I'm quite aware, thank you." I narrowed my eyes at her as she turned to face me.

She held her hands up in the air defensively. "Hey, I'm just saying. I even look at Jessica Stanley and I feel the need for an aggressive course of antibiotics." She cringed as she dropped her hands. "That snatch has seen more visitors than Grand Central Station."

"Good God, Al!" I shoved my hand in front of her face with wide eyes. "Please stop." I begged desperately as I darted my eyes around the store once again. "The last thing I want to hear about is Jessica's…" I trailed off with a half shudder, half cringe as I clenched my eyes closed tightly and shook my head.

She giggled quietly and finally led me away from the bras to another part of the store. I followed behind her with my head down, slightly nauseated, and trying desperately to dispel the awful mental image that was Jessica Stanley's gaping and possibly infected chasm of a vagina.

I felt so relieved when she didn't lecture me. She was right about one thing. It would make her a total hypocrite. And instead of threatening Edward with castration like I had expected her to, she began piling items into my hands with a smile. Panties. Sexy lacey panties that made me gape at her as she began tossing them at me.

I wanted to be difficult and blush and throw them all back to her, offended. But, just like the bra, I snapped my mouth shut and kept my head down as she picked and chose what was suitable for my skin color.

---

The ride home was awkward. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat the entire way home as Alice began suggesting things like birth control and prophylactics while tapping her thumb nervously on the steering wheel. I wordlessly slumped further and further into my seat, wishing I could just disappear and erase the last two hours of my life.

When we got home, I was out of the car and in the house so fast it made my hood fly off my head. I sighed in relief when I finally entered the safety of the kitchen. It was weird. This whole time I had been with Edward, I had really wanted someone to talk to about these types of things. I was just so used to our extreme privacy that it felt wrong talking to anyone about it.

I went to dump the bag-o-humiliation off in my room and make plans for supper.

---

**A/N: **Things changed a lot as I threw in more angst and scrapped the mall scene. It wasn't realistic for Bella to agree to go to the mall on a day like this. And it was even more unrealistic for Alice to be so accepting. Though the Jessica Stanley convo had me snorting.


	5. Ch 35: Valentine Pineapple Pairs 2

**A/N: This was yet another false start for the V-day chapter. **Obviously this one was thrown out as well.

There's a book that Bella is looking at to get her info from… instead of Rose. I liked the idea of Rosalie better, so I tossed it.

**---**

**BPOV**

It was particularly gruesome. The reds. Varying in shades from scarlet to pink, and probably matching the color of my face as I held up the lacy bra that Alice was forcing me to wear with this outfit.

_I should have saved the veto ._

She looked so triumphant, standing in the middle of my bedroom as she held up the red skirt with a wry smirk and a delicately arched eyebrow. It was Saturday, and I was pretty sure she had been planning this outfit for as long as she had been planning her night with Jasper.

I sank onto the bed, staring at her blankly. I had two options. I could run away and refuse to wear her choice. And in the process, completely ruin the truce between her and Edward. Or I could just admit defeat, suck it up, and hide in the house all day.

I sighed. And grimaced. And even cringed a little too, as I stood up from the bed and snatched the evil skirt from her hand with a glower. "It's too cold for crap like this." I held the skirt up in contempt with narrowed eyes as one last attempt to save myself.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. You've seen what I'm wearing tonight." She put her hand on her hip and quirked an eyebrow.

Oh. The horror. The mental image of what Alice was wearing for Jasper was… traumatizing to say the least. The leather pants were modest compared to it.

It all began hours earlier with a trip to the mall. The reds were there too. Everywhere. And there were swarms of men stumbling about nervously as they fumbled and stuttered for last minute gifts.

I was careless for agreeing to go with her. Thinking that I had come such a long way with Edward that I could handle it without any issues and be normal with Alice for one afternoon. I really should have taken the exact day into consideration.

_Valentines Day._

She led me hastily through the crowded mall, doing her best to speed the excursion along for my sake alone. And, sweet bitter irony, the one place in the whole building that I felt remotely comfortable was the lingerie store.

The men all wanted to go in, casting the window curious glances, but never having the courage to be seen doing it. It was full of women. And that I could handle. So I followed her around the little store happily as she began grabbing 'supplies' for her night with Jasper. I was so stupid, asking her for specifics as each new item piqued my curiosity.

There was a wig – double buns, fluffy hand cuffs, a can of whipped cream, some strange book that she wouldn't let me see, and a costume that Alice informed me was very specific to a fantasy of Jasper's. I believe the words 'Princess Leia' and 'slave' were thrown around somewhere in the packaging description. I blushed and looked away when she paid for it, which was really stupid for me to do. Because if I had been looking, I would have noticed that she was buying supplies for me too. The bra and panties that would match the wretched outfit perfectly.

I huffed and snatched the disgusting pink shirt from the bed and stomped to the bathroom without another glance in her direction. The only thing I could see on her all day was that perverted costume. I shut the door, a little harder than absolutely necessary and peeled my hoodie off with a dismal frown in its direction as I deposited it inside the hamper.

Admittedly, I was somewhat thankful for the bra deal. I didn't own anything even close to it. All my bras were plain and white and comfortable. Function over fashion. And normally, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

But Edward had been able to touch my breasts for almost a week without using the technique. It was absolutely divine. The way he touched me and grabbed me as if he really wanted to, and not just because it was helping me or making me feel better. Like he really wanted me. His hands were always gentle and sensual. And always over my sweaters and never touching my skin.

It seemed like perhaps it was ready to move things up a notch. And shirt removal only seemed like the next natural step.

Normally, I wouldn't have felt so at ease over the idea of exposing myself. But, in reality, he had already seen me without a shirt on.

I used that thought to abate my anxiety as I slipped the dark red bra on and adjusted myself in front of the mirror.

It fit all of Alice's requirements for a 'sexy' bra. She had given me the list on the ride home as I stared out the window with a façade of complete indifference. As if I wasn't hanging on to her every suggestion and committing it all to memory.

Lacey. _Check._

Bold colors. _Check._

Delicate and feminine. _Check and check._

Has miraculous push up qualities that make me appear falsely bustier than I actually am. _Check and hallelujah._

I turned from side to side in the mirror with pursed lips. It was pretty impressive. I personally would have gone for another color. Perhaps a nice blue. But I was told the occasion demanded it, so I couldn't complain. The red did make my skin seem less pale. And as I let my eyes wander down from the miracle cleavage to my ribs and stomach, I grimaced.

I looked like some morbid attempt to dress the freak show up for a decadent burlesque.

I hastily threw the pink shirt on, unwilling to see the scars next to the one piece of proof that I could be minutely normal.

The shirt was so low cut that I had to pull it up to hide the top of the bra. It was utterly insane for her to think I would be the least bit comfortable in this get up. I didn't even want Esme to see me in it. Let alone anyone else.

But the skirt had to be the worst. I had a list of specifications when it came to them. The length had to go to mid thigh at the very least. She pouted until I told her the reason why. Technically, I had scars all over my legs. Little ones that could be chalked up to clumsiness or something. But the ones on my upper thighs would surely draw far too much attention.

I was hoping it would scare her away from skirts all together. I was sorely mistaken. I slipped the skirt on in dismay, taking one last moment to glance at myself in the mirror. All pink shirt and scarlet skirt and miracle cleavage and all.

I slipped on my plain, usual black boots in a direct sign of rebellion and defiance. And right before I walked out of the door, I glanced at the hamper and paused with my hand on the knob.

_Rules be damned._

I snatched it up and threw it on, breathing a sigh of semi-relief as I walked out of the bathroom and half searched, half hid from Alice. The hoodie would not please her. She never was very fond of compromise.

I made my way to her room after a few minutes, ready and willing to subject myself to the hair torture portion of my afternoon so I could finally relax on the couch and watch the usual unsavory non-educational programming unfit for the youth of America.

When I reached the room I stood in the doorway and pursed my lips. Empty. I shrugged and shuffled to the vanity, getting myself in position for whatever hair style was 'in' for this holiday. I tapped my fingers on the wood while I waited for her, shifting my bare legs uncomfortably and allowing my gaze to wander around the top of the surface.

There was a book on the corner that caught my eye. It wasn't the fact that it was a book I knew or liked. But it was the same book she had purchased in the store and wouldn't let me see. I bit my lip as I tapped my fingers on the desk and checked the doorway from the mirror to see if the coast was clear.

I picked it up and turned it over to read the cover title. Then I gasped and dropped it onto the wooden vanity top wide eyed. It was even worse than the costume or the hand cuffs.

_The Contemporary Woman's Guide To Seduction._

I clenched my eyes closed and slid it back to the corner, shaking my head, and utterly horrified that Alice was buying… reference material.

I propped my elbow on the vanity and rested my chin in my palm with a sigh as I started at myself in the mirror. It was so…Alice. Always thorough.

I tapped my fingers on the wood once more, still waiting for her to come in her room and fix my hair already.

I darted my eyes to the book and back to the mirror while biting my lip. I wasn't looking in it. There was no way I'd be caught dead looking at that kind of literature. If it could even be called that.

I tapped my fingers on the wood for a few more moments. Then darted my eyes back to the book with pursed lips. _Seduction._

I snorted and shook my head at my reflection with my chin still propped in my palm as I tapped the wood. I leaned into the mirror to pick at a blemish that had been annoying me for days before sighing and leaning back in the seat.

I darted my eyes back to the book once more and back to mirror to check the doorway before I slowly lifted my hand to slide the book back in front of me.

I opened it to a random page while my gaze was still on the doorway of the room, and then darted my eyes down to it.

I gasped. Then I slowly furrowed my bros, pursing my lips and tilting my head at the page before me.

**---**

**A/N: **Yes, Rosalie's part was much better, but this was an alternative to stirring her curiosity.


	6. Tragic Dragons EPOV Flashback

**A/N: **This was really just a small flashback that spun wildly out of control. I kept going until there were tears because I was feeling masochistic.

This is also some much needed fluff in the midst of WA's now constant fail. I hope it makes you feel warm and tingly with Cullen love.

Takes place when Edward is thirteen and in the hospital recovering from the flu. This explores how he came to live with Carlisle and the inner battle he fought to make the decision.

---

**EPOV**

There is no worse green than hospital green. Especially this particular - shitty - hospital. I pulled up the stiff sheet around my neck and wrinkled my nose at it while forcing back a gag. I fucking hated this place. My room was small, but luckily, it was private and I didn't have to share with one of the infectious, sick kids. In fact, this was the longest amount of time I had spent without any kids in years. The owners of the 'home' I currently lived at had somehow managed to convince the state they were perfectly capable of caring for ten children.

I snorted at the thought of the monstrous monthly check they received, but it turned into a coughing fit that forced me nearly upright as my lungs fought to expel the invading substance of the flu. When I was finally in control of myself once again, I flopped back down onto the crinkly pillow and reached for the remote control to the television. I began flipping through channels indifferently. It was seriously pathetic how I wished for the hustle and bustle of the public school yard as opposed to this room. I relaxed and tucked my familiar stuffed dragon underneath my free arm snugly. He was too fucking fluffy and cute for any respectable thirteen year old to cling to, but I couldn't bear to be parted with the little fucker.

He was given to me the day I first entered the foster system. My caseworker was struggling to make me smile as she brought me to my first home, but I was too broken and hollow to manage one. She tried everything. Fast food, video arcades, chocolate ice cream, even bloody movies.

When we reached the little house I was meant to live in, she reached in her back seat and pulled it out for me to hold while I toured the house for the first time.

It always brought back that distant and painful memory, but I kept it as reminder by my side wherever I attempted to sleep. _Never get attached. _

I had been ragged on so hard for it that I was now resigned to hiding him under blankets and in the bottom of duffel bags, but I never let him go. There was even a ridiculously embarrassing nickname that I'd never ever admit to. And as I sat in my crappy hospital bed, coughing up buckets of phlegm, I decided I might admit to it... if I could get out of this fucking hell hole.

On the upside, I was feeling better. The cough was still a motherfucker, but it was better than the fever and chills that only just recently abated that morning. I felt... better. Not good, just better.

I stopped the button on Oprah and watched her prattle on about suicidal housewives for twenty minutes as I tried my best to get comfortable in the electric bed that was, unsurprisingly, not functional. Apparently, the debt the little housewives had acquired over their flaccid marriages had them a little depressed. I frowned mockingly and rolled my eyes. _What an awful existence_.

I heard the familiar sounds of tiny footsteps patter past my doorway and quickly flipped the channel until I was sure they weren't entering my room. Because...fucking Christ... if Jordan could see this shit, I'd never live it down. He'd run around the house telling everybody I spent my day watching Oprah fucking Winfrey and I'd probably have to lock his ass in the closet again. I smirked at the thought. That little shit was the cutest six year old I had ever lived with.

He was also annoyingly up my ass and visited much too frequently.

I heard another pair of footsteps ten minutes later. But this was a pair I knew. Older. Refined. _Dr. Cullen_.

I sat up manually, because this shitty hospital lacked the funding to fix their goddamn beds, and waited for him as he stood outside the door and likely went over my charts with his keen eye. I smirked once again, a little proud that I was finally improving, even though I didn't deserve any of the credit.

He entered the room as he usually did; with a light knock and a three second delay before he opened the door and stepped inside with a smile. He was wearing that same white lab jacket that made him look clean and sterile with his khaki slacks and shiny black shoes. He always looked so neatly groomed and emitted an air of calm that made him perfect for his chosen profession.

"Well, well, well..." He cooed as he approached my bed with my chart in hand. "Felling better today are we?" He asked, a hint of smugness in his voice as he stared at the clipboard in his hand and scribbled something swiftly.

I shrugged against the pillow I had positioned against the wall and crossed my feet under the blankets. "Worse than normal, but better than shit?" I replied with a wry grin, earning a hearty chuckle as Dr. Cullen finally met my gaze.

"Hmmm..." He mused quietly with dramatically furrowed eyebrows. "Be sure to write that in my evaluation when you leave." He smiled as he removed the stethoscope from his neck and placed it in his ears. "My superiors would adore that." His eyebrows raised and he lifted his hand in the air as if to feign writing. "Dear superiors, your qualified medical staff has managed to make me feel... better than shit." He smirked, and I just had to laugh, because really, it wasn't common to hear anything like that come out of his mouth.

He put the cold metal stethoscope to my back and went through the normal routine of "Breath in, breath out" before he finally pulled away and returned the chart on the side of my bed. I watched in fascination as he scribbled his findings in black ink.

Dr. Cullen always fascinated me. I couldn't quite place why. Maybe it was how he went out of his way to keep me company at nights. He'd always come between shifts and play cards with me, like some fucking uptight version of Patch Adams or some shit. Normally, that kind of thing would exasperate me, but he was different.

He didn't treat me like some charity case kid when he kept me company. He always engaged me in intriguing conversations about everything. Literature, music, even politics. What kind of adult gives a shit what some kid thinks about politics? But he always appeared so genuinely interested; offering his own thoughts and opinions as he usually lost our card games. It seemed rather intentional to me, but I never mentioned it. Because nobody ever let me win before. The kids at 'home' all had the same mentality.

Survival of the fittest.

They were utterly devoid of compassion by the time they turned fifteen. That was why I liked Jordan so much. He hadn't spent enough time in the system to become jaded and cynical of everything. He still had that spark in his eyes that shone of genuine excitement and vulnerable innocence. He wasn't hardened. But he would be.

Dr. Cullen brought me from my musings as he wheeled his stool around to face me from the counter across the room. He had the strangest look on his face. I could tell there was a dash of caution as his bright blue eyes met mine, but there was also a very uncharacteristic twinge of anxiety as his hand combed through his hair in a gesture that clearly showed his nervousness.

I quirked an eyebrow at his abnormal behavior. He was always so collected. Except, I suddenly remembered, for that afternoon five days ago when he put the foster bitch in her place. Most of my fever had muddled my memories and hazed them over even worse than the sleep deprivation I had become accustomed to over the past four years, but that memory stood out prominently.

His mood had shifted slightly since that afternoon, but I could tell he was trying to hide that it bothered him. I couldn't figure out why it would. I was used to shit like that. What I wasn't used to however were people sticking up for me. It would have pissed me off, but I felt too sickly and weak to object to his outrage on my behalf.

And now, I felt a little ashamed over the whole thing. It wasn't because I needed his protection or anything, though that didn't exactly help my pride any. I was ashamed because he had seen that part of my world. I was afraid he'd think less of me, see me for what I really was. Just a piece of shit foster kid that was kept around for the monthly government check.

But he came back that night and played cards with me like nothing had happened. And even though I could still see the flash of silent fury in his eyes every now and then, I refused to believe it was in any relation to that afternoon.

I cocked my head at him a bit, because he wasn't saying anything and he was just fucking staring at me with those penetrating and intense eyes and... it made me uncomfortable.

All at once his face collapsed into an agonizingly troubled expression that made my stomach lurch into my throat. It wasn't exactly the most comforting face to see on your personal physician turned... kind of friend. "You'll be discharged in three days." He informed me in an oddly strained voice. The heel of his loafer began tapping at the floor as his knee bobbed up and down. I nodded at him slowly. I was pretty fucking excited about that, but he didn't seem to share my enthusiasm for the freedom.

His cheeks suddenly puffed out momentarily as he held his breath and lowered his face a bit. A gusty sigh was mingled with words as he expelled the breath from his lips. "I was wondering if you might be interested in coming to stay with me." He spoke hastily while his heel tapped rapidly on the floor.

I sat staring at him blankly for a few moments before I could finally process his words. "Huh?" I asked bewildered as my jaw hung slightly agape.

He sighed again and finally lifted his face to meet my gaze. "You can't go back to those awful people, Edward." He shoved his hands in the pockets of his sterile jacket as I once again saw fury flash in his eyes at his coming tirade. "They will use you and squander every bit of potential you have until you're nothing but another statistic on the daily news, and I..." He halted abruptly and inhaled deeply, appearing to calm himself. I was once again torn between awe and all encompassing shame over the situation. He did see the real me. He just saw it as a distant possibility of my future, and not the person I had already become.

I chuckled humorlessly and leaned back onto my pillow while I attempted to focus on Oprah once again. "You don't have to worry about me Dr. Cullen." I waved my hand in a dismissive gesture. "I can handle myself. I always have." My words were far more bitter than I had originally intended, and I knew when I glanced sideways at him that he could tell the process had already begun for me.

Then I was pissed off at myself, and maybe him a little too. I didn't want to be the charity case I never thought I was to him. And this felt too much like it for my comfort. In the matter of a minute, our whole dynamic had shifted from peer to adult and child. I kept my eyes on Oprah as his stool noisily wheeled to my bed side, and I fought back a grimace mingled with a gag.

"Edward?" He called to me softly while Oprah's next housewife finally broke down into tears. "I'm not asking for an answer right now." His hand came to cover mine on the blanket at my side and I flinched away.

Then I was torn between being deeply touched by a show of affection I rarely received and being seriously creeped out. I didn't really know this man. I spent time with him at nights when I refused to sleep or accept the sedatives, but… I didn't _really_ know him. And now he was asking me to come to his home and... touching me outside the bounds of our doctor-patient relationship.

I had a difficult time determining if my paranoia was justly founded, or if it simply stemmed from years of living with children who had been lured into homes with nice people, who later turned out to be devious and menacing. Their nightly horror stories whispered in the dark quiet of various bedrooms had made me ever vigilant of affectionate contact like that.

He didn't seem to take any offense to my discomfort. "I have a son about your age, you know?" He asked in a voice that wasn't defensive, just merely informational, likely in an attempt to placate my suspicions.

I peeked at him curiously because I didn't know he had a family. "You're married?" I asked quietly, as more of a statement than an inquiry while searching the hand on my bed for a wedding band.

He shook his head and appeared apologetic as he withdrew his hand. "No. I adopted Emmett six years ago. He's fourteen now." He smiled as his eyes shone with something akin to pride and... something else. _Adoration_? I furrowed my brow at this expression on his face, and the way he beamed at his adopted son's mention.

It kindled this feeling deep inside of my chest and I had to look away before he could see the pain flashing in my eyes. It was a kind of love that I could spot anywhere. _Fatherly_.

"We have a condo on the east side of the city." He continued as I watched the television in a facade of disinterest. "It's just the two of us, so you'd have plenty of space and more quiet than you're used to now." I saw him smile and shake his head out of my periphery as he chuckled softly, as if to himself before he continued. "I'm not Ward Cleaver or anything, but you'll be well cared for both financially and medically." His words shifted to an oddly business-like tone, which I rather appreciated. The whole sappy father bit was starting to irritate me.

"You'll be expected to maintain good grades in school much like Emmett, but I doubt that's really a problem for you." I noted his smirk from the corner of my eye as Housewife Number Four admitted to a sultry affair with her husband's brother. He sighed and persisted, though I was attempting to seem very unconcerned with the conversation. "We've been planning to move out of the city for a long while, so keep that in consideration."

He stood then and examined my blank stare for a moment before he walked away from my bed with my chart in his hand. "Just think about it." He called softly over his shoulder as he exited the room.

I heard the door click as black tears began trailing down Housewife Number Five's rosy cheeks and I gripped the stuffed dragon under my arm fiercely.

She wiped them away with a shuddering breath that made her cleavage tremble as she stared at me intensely from the television screen. Her voice was hollow and devoid of all emotion as she spoke into the camera. "I never thought I'd end up here."

----

I spent my day pretending I wasn't considering Dr. Cullen's offer. The more I tried not to think about it, the more I did.

He could be lying, and planning to move me away to some fucking dank warehouse in B.F.E. I thought about the way his hand felt on mine. Tender, gentle, and affectionate. The thought made me shudder. Alternatively, he could be telling the truth, and he really was just this completely normal guy who sometimes adopted kids because he was a bleeding heart. Compassionate and compelled to help wherever he was able.

I wasn't sure which the worst case scenario was. If he really was just being nice and caring then I'd be fucking up his life. Because all of those qualities probably meant that he thought he could fix me. I knew better.

The nurse came at noon with my lunch, and while I idly picked at the lumpy formation of shit with a side of shit, I did something that was inexcusable.

I allowed my thoughts to indulge themselves in a vision of what could be.

It was rather elaborate because I reasoned, if I was going to dream, I might as well dream big. I tried to imagine this condo of his, probably spotless and sterile just like his crisp white lab coat. I tried to imagine this Emmett kid, most likely proper and composed like the good little boy Dr. Cullen spoke so fondly of. Mostly though, I tried to imagine where I could fit in amongst all of his perfection and sterile, and if I'd even be happy. Or... as close to happy as I could ever be.

Dr. Cullen seemed like a nice enough guy after all. I suddenly felt guilty for seeing him as some creepy child molester when I knew differently. I couldn't explain how I knew, or what he had ever done to gain that amount of trust from me, but I just knew it. He had never been inappropriate with me, and had more than enough opportunities to try.

By dinner, I had decided that I was a shitty person for even thinking such things about Dr. Cullen. Which only left me with one assumption. He really was a bleeding heart. I tried even harder to push it aside and not think about it, but it kept resurfacing. It didn't help that I got no visitors for the day. I suddenly felt lonely and suffocated in the small room while I gazed blankly at the sunset from the slits in the vertical blinds.

_How bad could it really be_?

That same mental argument warred over and over again in my head that wondered... how much am I going to just... completely fucking disappoint this man. What were his expectations of me? How long would it be before he sent me back? It had happened to me before. The nice and honest families never wanted baggage with their adolescents and usually preferred the younger children, like Jordan. I tried to imagine the abundance of ways I could let him – and myself – down before he grew tired of my failures.

By ten, I was tired of envisioning it, and generally tired all together. I had slept plenty during my fever... unintentionally, and even though it was impossibly invigorating considering my condition, the lack of sleep was already beginning to catch up with me again.

Late night television was much better than that daytime crap, so it held my attention for a long while. I waited for midnight, curious if Dr. Cullen would enter my room as he usually did, or if he was already regretting his offer. I couldn't decide which outcome I preferred. Then as I heard his tell-tale footsteps approaching my door, I found myself feeling an odd phantom twinge inside of my chest.

He appeared cautious as he entered my room, keeping the door open a crack which wasn't something he usually did. I felt shitty and ashamed once again that he was doing it to ease my paranoid fears. His smile was genuine as he took his usual spot beside my bed and produced the deck of cards from his lab coat pocket with a quirked eyebrow.

I sat up in answer to his silent question, and took my place in the middle of the bed with my legs folded beneath me and the stuffed dragon abandoned on my pillow. He smirked at it fleetingly before applying his mock 'game face'. This had been our routine for almost three weeks, and the mere thought of even having a routine made me grin as he shuffled and dealt my hand atop the green blanket face down.

Being in the hospital was fucked up and I hated it to no end, but... I couldn't deny I craved this kind of stability. A place that was clean where people usually gave a shit about you. The kids running around in these halls were sick, but commonly sweet children. It was a stark contrast to the kids I usually had to share my space with. My mind began creating some kind of checklist of pros and cons against my will as I watched Dr. Cullen purse his lips thoughtfully at his hand of cards.

He was so goddamn _normal_.

It appalled me, but I began wondering if that was the thing that fascinated me with him all these weeks. That thing that, much like the phantom feeling in my chest, I couldn't quite put a name to.

He put one card face up. Three of clubs. I smirked and deposited my four of clubs to take the book. _Spades it is_. I thought smugly. I always beat him at this game, and I knew there was no way he could reverse-cheat into losing.

We played the hand in a very peculiar silence. Not entirely uncomfortable, but thick with deep contemplation. I took his Ace of Diamonds with my Big Joker and suddenly...

"Tell me more." I blurted in a voice that was still thick with flu and ill, yet held a twinge of defeat and caution. His gaze darted to mine and he pursed his lips again as he regarded me. I figured it wouldn't hurt to make an educated decision, even if I knew that I really just wanted more material for the elaborate fantasy playing in my head.

Inexcusable indeed.

His lips screwed up into a wry grin and he began speaking while I... simply listened.

After thirty minutes of hearing him talk, I began asking questions like, "If you have a son, then why the fuck are you up here spending time with me all night?"

He chuckled at that, and took my Queen of Hearts with his Two of Spades. "Emmett is fairly self-sustaining. I can always trust him to stay out of trouble or contact me in the event of an emergency. He knows how demanding my work is." He shrugged.

I wanted to feel offended that spending time with me was regarded as 'work', but reasoned that wasn't entirely fair, seeing as how he was making an effort to make me personal.

He kept talking, only pausing to answer my brief questions and I was so shamefully engrossed in his responses that I lost the game. He noticed, but didn't mock me for it. Instead he put the deck away and just spoke to me. And it wasn't condescending adult talk, and it wasn't even business-like. It was just Dr. Cullen asking to adopt me.

After two hours of discussing legal shit and housing arrangements, Carlisle – as I was now told to call him – left my room with a carefully blank expression.

And then I was confused and a little awestruck again. Because the way he spoke of me coming to live with him was just…

I couldn't fathom why. I'd never amount to much, and I'd probably always cause him shitheaps of trouble, but he didn't seem to mind the fact that I was fucked up. That was what got me as the sun rose.

I wasn't fascinated by Carlisle because he was filthy rich and normal and sterile. I was fascinated with him because he could be doing anything at midnight on a weekend. He could be out having drinks with some hot nurse or at home with the prim and proper good boy. But he was here with me.

Because he _wanted _me.

It had been so long since someone really wanted me that I got that phantom feeling in my chest once again that made a lump form in my throat. There was a nagging voice in my subconscious whispering that he would back out, and he would realize I was more trouble than I was worth. And it really was me just fucking setting myself up to be hurt by this. It could be the best thing that had ever happened to me, or one of the worst to add to the list.

I rolled over onto my side and closed my eyes while I hugged the stuffed dragon tightly to my scarred chest. As the orange sun filtered perfectly proportional rays across my hospital bed, I buried my nose in all of the green fur and sighed into it, deep and defeated.

Because I just knew there was no turning away from the one person in the world who wanted me.

---

I was nervous as his shift approached, fiddling with my I.V. and huffing at the bed once again. I mean, seriously. How fucking expensive is it to fix a goddamn bed? I thought tax dollars paid for these. And why was it so goddamn hot in here? Fuck, my mouth was suddenly dry. Where the hell did my water go? Why am I freaking out so much?

I could hear his steps approaching as I swallowed loudly. Swallowed the dryness. Swallowed my pride. Swallowed that nagging voice that told me I was going to get so fucked over by doing this as I heard his perfunctory knock.

Three seconds later, like clockwork, he stepped into the room; eyes fixed on my chart as he idly bit the inside of his cheek and made his way to the counter.

"Fever's been down for two days. How's the cough?" He asked, glancing at me over his shoulder as he prepared a syringe.

I nearly grimaced at the needle before I remembered I had an I.V. "The cough is less." I replied offhandedly as I watched him approach my bed. He nodded and furrowed his brows in concentration as he injected my I.V. tube with the medication.

"Broad spectrum antibiotics." He explained with a grin as he began scribbling on the chart once more. "Just a boost." He concluded.

I chuckled, but it came out small and anxious. "Yeah. Wouldn't want to take some sick kid home with you, huh?" My chuckle became more anxious as my fingers began fiddling with the I.V. again and my heart and was pounding and I couldn't fucking look at him and... shit. When did I turn into such a fucking pussy?

The room was bathed in a tense and heavy silence that settled deep into my stomach as I stared down at my blankets and fidgeted unconsciously. He wasn't talking and he was probably already realizing he fucked up by asking me. I wanted to die a little. Just pull the blankets up over my head and fucking... die of shame for allowing myself to believe it.

But I had to man up here, because it was my fault for believing in the first place.

I sighed and turned my head to meet his gaze. To tell him it was okay, and I didn't give a shit about his lush accommodations and affectionate hand pats and stupid fucking Emmett who could stay out of trouble. But my words stuck in my throat as my eyes met his.

He was grinning and maybe a little smug as his blue eyes gazed back at mine in satisfaction and he simply nodded. He didn't make me say the words, and he never forced me to swallow my pride whole. He just fucking nodded and clapped me on the shoulder briefly as he put the stethoscope to my back and asked me to take a deep breath.

---

I walked into my messy and completely fucking obliterated bedroom as I raked my hand through my hair and looked around in frustration. This place was such a fucking pig sty. Thank God Dr. Cull- Carlisle... could probably afford people to clean up his house. I pulled out the dark green duffel bag from beneath my bed and began filling it with everything of importance. The sketchbooks came first. I had five already filled up and they dropped into the duffel bag and hit the bottom with a thud on the floor. It smelled in here, but I had to share it with three other pre-pubescent boys, so it wasn't very surprising.

I could vaguely hear the girls in the house bickering over something as I opened the closet and began removing my clothes from hangers. This wasn't new for me. I had moved ten times in the last four years and made it a point to only keep what mattered. No posters, or CDs, or even photos of all the people I had met. These things get lost or stolen and there's no point in getting attached because when the day comes and you can't find it, you feel like shit. It's easier to pack light.

I was just finishing with my clothes when Jordan came stomping into the bedroom. I had my back to him, but I could always tell when that little shit was behind me. He couldn't realize it yet, but his deviated septum was noisy as all hell. I smirked as I turned and look down at him. All of his flaming red, curly hairs glimmered in the morning light and made his angry pout look fierce as he stalked to my bed and flopped down on it angrily.

"This is bullshit." He said in his deceivingly innocent and child-like voice.

I looked at him all disapprovingly, but I couldn't because he got that word from me. And a million others. I shrugged and zipped up the duffel bag, because I didn't know what to say to him. _That's what you get for growing so attached to someone?_

He'd understand when he got older and more hardened by the system. It was a necessary evil, and my departure wouldn't stand out in five years among the hundreds of others he would meet and bid farewell to.

His pout broke my heart a little as it softened and he picked at my bare mattress with his tiny fingers. "Can I go with you?" He whispered in a tiny voice and glanced up at me through his orange lashes and his lips trembled and... fucking shit. This kid was going to make me go all soft on him.

I puffed my cheeks out with a large breath, much like Carlisle had done a few days prior and I shook my head while I picked up the duffel bag and slung it over my shoulder.

His face fell even more and he kept picking with his tiny fingers and holding back tears. "Who's going to walk me to school in the mornings?" He asked with a barely-there sniffle that made me sigh.

"I never walked you to school, Jordan." I mumbled while kicking the toe of my shoe on the stained carpet. "You followed me every day for the last six months. There's a difference." I replied dryly as he wiped away an invisible tear.

"Cassie never lets me walk with her." He looked at me again, and he was so sad that I was desperately trying to force down the guilt and remorse for leaving the little fucker. And why? He irritated me to no end, and yet here I was feeling bad for him.

"Cassie's a fucking bitch." I replied apologetically, earning a distinct "Go to hell." from the adjoining room that made him smile and snicker. I merely shrugged, because really, she was. All blonde and hellfire and too good for a tag-a-long like Jordan that cramped her style. Thank God Dr. Cullen didn't have any daughters.

I was just about to leave the room and this house and this fucked up life when he suddenly sprang off the bed and lunged at my leg, capturing my thigh in a death grip as his wide green eyes stared up at me. I clicked my tongue, and rolled my eyes at the melodramatics as I kicked him off gently.

"For fuck's sake, Jordan. Let me go." I snapped angrily. I watched the dimples in his cheeks fade into a more defined pout as he stepped away and sunk to the floor with his knees to his chest. Then he buried his face and began sobbing like the six year old he was, and if it were anyone else in this house, they'd walk away and let him learn his lesson.

But I felt like shit. Because I couldn't take him with me and I couldn't save him from this shitty reality. I had to walk away and just hope he found his own Carlisle someday. I wouldn't keep contact and I'd never look back on it because there was no reason to.

With a deep and remorseful sigh, I dropped my duffel bag and unzipped it, reaching deep down to the bottom and grumbling as my hand emerged with the stuffed dragon. I kneeled in front of him and ran my fingers through my hair awkwardly while shoving it at him. It was the closest thing I had to a keepsake, and I couldn't find any reason to keep it any longer. He'd keep it with him all the time, and just like me, he'd be reminded that bonds are broken and made in the span of something as simple as an infectious cough and a chance referral to the cheap hospital.

"Here." I sighed, watching dreadfully as he sniffled and hesitantly took the dragon from my hand. He regarded it curiously as he held it before his face broke out into a tear stained smile that brought the dimples back.

His wide green eyes shone once again as he sniffled and glanced from me to the dragon. "I can have him?" He asked all fucking excited and still teary eyed as he hugged it to his chest like the proud new owner of a piece of shit lump of synthetic fur.

I nodded and grimaced as I stood up and chanced a cautious peek over my shoulder for any lurking bystanders. "His name is..." I trailed off, closing my eyes as the all encompassing embarrassment swallowed me whole for the millionth time in a week. "Mister Draggy Fantastico." I grumbled shamefully while slinging the bag back onto my shoulder.

Jordan's tiny, musical giggle followed me out the door of the pig sty as I exited the house and walked toward Carlisle's expensive Mercedes where he was waiting for me patiently. And I had no way of knowing if I was doing something really reckless and stupid as fuck by getting in the car and letting him take me to his home, but I pushed back the fear that welled inside of my chest as the phantom feeling returned with his every glance in my direction.

During the two days of arrangements made at my bed side with Carlisle, I had come to finally discover the name of that phantom feeling.

It was _hope_.

And as much I struggled to justify the shame of feeling it, I couldn't. I need it too fucking much to deny it. I needed him to keep me and prove that I was worth all of the bullshit and trouble I would put him through, because I had been so convinced I wasn't for the longest time.

"So," He started as he pulled off the street and began driving towards the east side of the city. "How are you feeling?" He asked, glancing at me warily from the corner of his eye.

I chuckled at his concern and leaned back against the lush headrest with a deep sigh as I watched the slums of Chicago disappear behind us.

"Better than shit."

---

**A/N:** Don't ask me how this ever got so ridiculously developed. I could go on all day, but I know I shouldn't.

Hope you enjoyed!

Reviews are waaaaay better than shit.


	7. Ch 41: Birthday Scene in CPOV

**A/N: **Twilight and its characters belong to SM

This was the original CPOV Part 1 of _Strawberry Stand Still_, but I had to cut it, because the chapter grew epically monstrous, and this bit just didn't have enough significance to merit the extra wordage. It is a nice insight however.

-----  
**CPOV**

It was nearly five when I received the call from Esme regarding Bella's visit. I never would have shown it in the tone of my voice on the phone, but I was infinitesimally resentful for the way she so casually put the responsibility on my shoulders alone. It was the poor boy's birthday and she meant to dangle the forbidden fruit before his eyes and have me snatch it away at my discretion. She wouldn't be forced to survive the aftermath.

But it was his birthday, and even though it seemed a cruel method of granting what was likely one wish of his, I opened the door with a wide smile at Bella's soft and timid knock.

She stood meek and shyly, or one might assume her shy if they didn't fully understand her mental state. She cradled a large box in her arms. Birthday cake as Esme informed me. I felt compelled, as I stood aside, to tell this girl that Edward did not prefer birthday cakes. Every birthday we had attempted to celebrate with him, it was made quite clear that any fuss over the event would be swiftly attacked. I couldn't fathom seeing her spirits crushed when he did such a thing. She must have been rather excited for the escape from her punishment, just to have it dashed by Edward's harsh position on celebrations.

She didn't greet me, or really even acknowledge my presence aside from a small glance in my direction that seemed more anxiety driven than for politeness's sake as she entered the foyer.

Esme would be deeply disappointed at her lack of manners. I made it a point to omit this from my recap of events unless she expressly asked me for such information.

I led her to the dining room with only a few words, as not to make her more uncomfortable until Edward had arrived. When I knocked on his door, I had already prepared myself for his dismal silent treatment of me. It had been this way for fourteen days and though I rather detested the immaturity of the act, I was resigned to waiting for him to break the silence. I had pushed quite enough.

I was pleasantly surprised when he began to speak. It was progress in my mind, even though the words he spoke were meant to be sarcastic and scathing. Many people had a difficult time relating to Edward, but I had seen quite enough by now to know that the scathing insults were his method of pushing people away. People he felt he could be close to. If I was still one of those people, I considered myself lucky.

"Bella," I began when I noticed him becoming exceptionally flustered with me. His eyes shifted focus to mine finally and I could sense his whole posture change. "Is in the dining room waiting for you." _With cake. Please don't be so hard on the poor girl. She couldn't have known._

He pushed past me, and I suddenly noticed he was wearing the same clothing from yesterday. I frowned at the back of his head as he made his way down the flights of stairs. He was neglecting himself and was failing to take his health into consideration. His eyes were darker from lack of sleep and... don't think I didn't notice the way he nearly stumbled over the last step. I always noticed. It was absolute agony to watch him deteriorate in such a way, but I couldn't push him._ Not about this._

I held my breath as I watched him enter the dining room, bracing for... whatever way he grew irritated with this odd girl. He captured her in a tight embrace before I could understand what was occurring, and for a brief second, I was irrationally concerned I would be forced to pull them apart. I did no such thing.

I watched in fascination as he swayed them from side to side affectionately for a long while. I eventually shifted uncomfortably and leaned against the door frame, feeling utterly disgusted that I had to be so intrusive on this particularly intimate moment. My resentment towards Esme swelled once again at this feeling. I watched as he turned his face to her ear and appeared to be whispering something. She shook her head. I was frustrated at the exchange I couldn't supervise. I didn't want to let Esme down.

Bella suddenly released his neck, peering at me over his shoulder. "As long as Dr. Cullen allows." She spoke just loud enough for me to hear, and I was grateful. They were discussing the length of the visit. I gazed back at her and attempted to make it clear in my friendly expression that I would do my best to make it as long as possible.

"Please, call me Carlisle." I corrected her. It was fairly unnecessary for her to use my last name. She had been sleeping under my roof for three months after all. I think we were past the formalities. I watched as she led him to the table and...

Edward's gaze finally landed on the cake.

I stiffened in anticipation of his impending ire.

He smiled at her and sat down in a chair.

I frowned down at my shoes with a sigh. Bella clearly fell under a separate standard than Emmett and me. I was briefly frustrated and envious that he could celebrate with this girl and yet his family was meant to ignore such occasions while he hid in his room. Would it have been so awful to enjoy it, if not for our sakes alone?

And then as I watched him begin eating her meal and speaking to her with a large smile that I hadn't seen in... years, I was once again reminded, Bella always fell under another set of rules for Edward. I was amazed at how my presence was suddenly entirely ignored. He took her hand beneath the table and held it. He made satisfied moans that seemed to make her smile wider. She spoke about their family and friends and when the time for cake arrived, I was baffled at her ability to make Edward submit to eating it without any resistance whatsoever.

The only time I had bought him a cake, it was an utter disaster. I had spent countless hours on the phone with a very exorbitantly priced gourmet decorator to perfect the decadently tiered cake. When he saw it, he seemed rather disgusted by the gesture all together and it sat dormant until I finally allowed Emmett to consume it on his own.

It was the last time I bought him a birthday cake.

And now he was consuming hers with a large grin and an abundance of sounds to attest to the fact he was enjoying it.

I watched him push the plate aside when he was finished eating. They moved close to one another, their heads lying casually on their arms atop the table while they spoke in hushed whispers. I felt completely ridiculous having to supervise such an innocent display.

But it was still necessary.

I oversaw their exchange with varied feelings of awe, embarrassment, and envy. I was awed at their intimacy without even being… intimate. A simple touch of their hands was enough to make them both quite visibly at ease. It was rather fascinating. This made me feel embarrassed. To be watching them so closely and scrutinizing their contact was ridiculous. But mostly I was envious.

I had seen this version of Edward only once before. Years ago in a hospital room when we first met. When I had first decided to bring him into my home and watch him grow and flourish under my tending. Long before this day, when our relationship had been reduced to scathing insults and unbridled rancor, it wasn't uncommon for me to see that smile.

I suppose he wasn't the only one to blame. I had put to much faith in my wisdom back then. I was devout in my belief that my insight and careful mentoring of the boy would lead him to the illustrious path he was destined for. I was a fool for not considering his refusal to allow me to do so.

I had tried every method possible of getting through to him. I spent years attempting to break the barrier between what he showed me, and what was truly bothering him. I spent my days with particular colleagues gaining information on various techniques to penetrate the defenses of deeply traumatized adolescents. And it didn't take a professional to understand that Edward was, in fact, deeply traumatized.

They all told me the same thing when I returned to them, unsuccessful in my attempts to gain his trust. It took patience.

For years I remained as patient as I could possibly allow given the circumstances. But then Bella Swan moved to Forks and suddenly, Edward let that barrier down. It took me a long while to realize they were even close, but once I saw him, holding her in the middle of the gym floor of the high school, I just knew.

All on his own and without any careful approaches, he had finally found someone to confide in. And as I watched them interact following the incident, I realized he had found something much greater than a mere confidant.

It was a positive sign, and even though I felt a sense of spite that I couldn't be that person, I encouraged the relationship for a long while. As long as I possibly could.

I watched as they moved closer on the dining room table. Bella was relaying a childhood memory that made me stifle a giggle. Alice always was the perfectionist. It was no surprise to see her upset over a destroyed sand castle.

But they began getting closer. Too close. And suddenly their foreheads were touching and I was uncomfortable with their intimate proximity in my presence.

"I think perhaps Bella should go home now." I spoke in the least intrusive voice I could manage, and yet still seemed to startle the poor girl who had completely failed to realize I was still in the room. Her lips fell to a frown as she glanced back and forth between Edward and me, and I felt angry with Esme once again. She was making me the bad guy today.

Edward was exceptionally perturbed as he sat up and met my gaze. "Why? We aren't doing anything wrong?" He asked, clearly agitated and sorrowful for her impending departure.

My stomach twisted in anxiety as I glanced down at my shoes and scratched the back of my neck. "Please, Edward. Don't make a scene." I pleaded. It would do no good to make such a hostile show in front of Bella. He could attack me once she was safely next door, and I'd take it, because I always had.

He appeared as though he was preparing to defy me when Bella finally stood up and disarmed him with a kiss on his temple and a bag of cookies.

She moved to leave, so I gave her an abundance of space to exit as she departed. "Goodbye Dr. Cullen." She shuffled out the doorway to the living room and I had opened my mouth to once again correct her before I realized it was fruitless. I'd omit this from my conversation with Esme as well.

Edward sat in his chair for many moments as I stood stoic, and utterly apologetic for ruining what was meant to be a happy day for him. There were many things I wanted to say as I stared at the back of his head. I wanted to say happy birthday, but it felt offensive and ironic given the circumstances. I wanted to say I was sorry and I'd do my best to encourage a repeat allowance from Esme, but I didn't want to see him disappointed when I failed. So I stood silent and prayed he'd still grant me the gift of his scathing insults, because it was the absolute best I could possibly hope for.

But the scathing insults never came, and I was eventually resigned to leaving him in the room alone, gazing at the birthday cake, devoid of the one lone sliver he had eaten.

---

**A/N: **I sigh. Daddy C laments. I weep. I post. You read. You sigh. You go read the rest of the chapter if you haven't already. I thank.

Much love!


End file.
